Into the Wild: The Spoof
by Dawn-of-the-Wolf
Summary: We've all read the first book of the original series. But what will happen if this adventure is retold, with a ton of hilarity, stupidity and a teaspoon of randomness thrown in? Read this story and find out.
1. Stalkers and Random Bushes

**I hope this is funny. If it isn't funny, then it'll be extremely boring. Nevermind. I had fun writing it anyway.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

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><p>Rusty, dreaming, walked through a forest. He saw a mouse and, dreaming, began to stalk it. Dreaming, he sneaked closer and, dreaming-<p>

"I'm dreaming, they get it," Rusty snapped.

Well _sorry_! And for you readers, that was sarcastic!

Anyway, he stalked the mouse and pounced, catching it, but a light shined behind him. Distracted, he let the mouse go and padded towards it, his eyes going huge.

"Oooo bright light…" he meowed dreamily.

Behind him, the mouse cried in fear. "Don't go into the light!"

Rusty ignored it. He continued to pad closer to it, but just before he reached it he woke up in his twoleg's twoleg nest [if that makes sense]. He sat up, looking around in desperation.

"Whaaaat? I thought I was rid of this place! If only I could explore the forest, find a Clan of wildcats and join them," Rusty meowed longingly.

He got up and padded outside. Using his trampoline of epicness, he leaped over the really tall fence in one bound. As he put his trampoline of epicness away in an imaginary pocket, he was about to walk in the forest when Smudge padded up to him.

"RUSTY! YOU CAN'T GO TO THE FOREST-"

"Smudge, I'm right next to you," Rusty pointed out in annoyance. Smudge was just so lame, Rusty only spoke to him because there was no other cat in this neighbourhood, apart from an old fatty called Henry and Rusty's sister, Princess, but he wasn't supposed to find her until the next book. _Smudge is just so boring and stupid,_ Rusty thought.

"Oh, sorry," Smudge meowed. "Rusty! You can't go to forest or you'll be hung, drawn, quartered and devoured by badgers, and that's if you avoid the rapid squirrels!"

"Yeah, whatever Smudge," Rusty turned away, but Smudge wasn't finished.

"Oh, yeah, and watch out for the wildcats, they might attack you a bit and then ask you to join their Clan," Smudge warned.

"That's nice Smudge," Rusty padded away, not taking in anything Smudge had just told him.

Away from Smudge, Rusty felt a lot happier. It was a relief to be away from his stalker.

Ahead of him, he saw a fox's tail sticking out of a bush.

"Hm, I wonder what that could be," he thought out loud. "It can't be anything dangerous like a fox, so it should be safe for me to take a look."

He padded towards it, but before he reached it, Greypaw tumbled into him. Rusty shoved Greypaw off him and ran away, crying like a little baby.

Then he thought to himself, _This cat is making me look wimpier than a kittypet! I must have revenge!_

He turned around just as Greypaw cannoned into him. As they rolled around, Bluestar and Lionheart padded out of the forest and watched unnoticed by Rusty and Greypaw.

"Looks like Gaypaw has finally found true love," Bluestar commented.

"Bluestar… he's called Greypaw…" Lionheart meowed awkwardly.

Bluestar whirled round in surprise. "_What_? Really? I totally didn't know that! No wonder everyone stared at me when I gave him his apprentice name!"

Greypaw and Rusty, suddenly noticing Bluestar and Lionheart, sat up. Greypaw panics.

"It was all his fault!" he shouted, pointing at Rusty. "I did nothing, I swear!"

"Gayp- I mean, Greypaw, we know nothing happened, my pet parrot told me," Bluestar told him matter-of-factly.

A parrot poked its head down from the trees. "Ya! Bluestah told meh!" It flew away.

"Exactly, I… oh…" Greypaw trailed off in embarrassment.

Bluestar turned to Rusty. "Hey, wanna join our Clan?"

"Er, what?" Rusty meowed.

"You know, ThunderClan, that group of cats that lives in forest and you never notice it because you're never here but that's completely irrelevant to this conversation but I still felt I had to tell you and where were we? Oh yeah, do you wanna join ThunderClan we need more apprentices so that we can get enough food but that's stupid because at one point in the second series we only have one apprentice and we didn't need to take in kittypets to survive but I suppose that's just what happens and where was I? Oh yes, we need you so we don't go hungry," Bluestar meowed without taking a breath.

"Woah, that must take skill," said a random bush, which is strange because bushes don't normally talk.

"Surely there's enough food for everyone?" Rusty muttered, ignoring the random bush.

Bluestar suddenly turned into a devil, her eyes balls of fire. "WHAT DID YOU SAY!"

Rusty looked as if he might wet the soil and help the environment. "Uh, n-nothing…" he meowed.

Bluestar returned to normal. "Good. Wanna join our Clan?"

"I'll think about it," Rusty replied.

Lionheart rolled his eyes. "A minute ago you were told the readers how much you hated the twoleg place, and now you say you'll think about it when we offer you a way out."

Rusty cried. "BUT THEN I WON'T GET TO SAY GOODBYE TO SMUDGE! Oh wait, that's a good thing…"

Lionheart, apparently the only sane cat there, face-pawed himself at this.

"Let's go," Bluestar meowed, ignoring Rusty's random spasm, and they padded to camp.

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><p><strong>Is that OK? Please R&amp;R!<strong>


	2. Cowards and Random Rocks

**Woah, loads of people have reviewed! ... well, loads compared to what I usually get. Thanks to Mothstar, LemonLimeLollie, Stormfang502 and zestia240 for reviewing! ****Maybe I should write parodies more often, you people seem to like it better. :-)**

**And I used Google translate for the French (please don't ask...).**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

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><p>Bluestar, Lionheart, Greypaw and Rusty padded into camp. Everyone in the Clan turned and stared at them as they walked in.<p>

"Is it a loner?" Frostfur asked.

"Is it a rogue?" Goldenflower asked.

"No, it's a fat, lazy kittypet," Darkstripe growled.

Whitestorm suddenly appeared out of thin air beside Rusty, who stared at him in confusion.

"Oh, I was meant to be on the patrol in the real story, so the author made me appear here," Whitestorm explained.

"What?" Rusty meowed. "But why couldn't you just-"

"Shut up, I'm wise so it must mean everything I say is right," Whitestorm snapped.

"Bluestar, I have an important secret to tell you, can I speak to you in your den?" Lionheart asked, ignoring Whitestorm and Rusty.

"No."

"Can I speak to you later?"

"No."

"Can I tell you now?"

"Only if you speak in French."

"OK," Lionheart meowed. "Quand Tigerclaw retourne, vous devez croire son histoire de Ravenpaw mess ou jusqu'à toute la série."

"Tigerclaw ma dayja deet avawnt di sorty, dih sort kit voo navay biswon dih lih deer," Bluestar replied in very bad French.

"Bluestar, you aren't very good at speaking other languages," Rusty stated.

"Oh really?" Bluestar meowed. "Watch me speak _whale_!"

Bluestar leaped on top the highrock and called, "Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatssssssss oooooooooooooold toooooooooooooo caaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch theeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiir ooooooooooown preeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyy gaaaaaaaaaaaaaatheeeeeeeeer-"

"Just start the frikkin' meeting already!" a random cat yelled.

"We have a fat lazy kittypet in the Clan now who I will be naming soon," Bluestar meowed. "I have the choice of the following names: Awesomepaw, Amazingpaw, Epicpaw, Trampolinepaw, Lolpaw, Trollpaw, Crazypaw and a million other names. However, I have decided to call him-"

"Hey, wait, isn't there supposed to be a fight scene first?" a random rock said, which is strange because rocks don't usually talk.

"Oh yes, so there is," Bluestar remembered. "Longtail, do the honour."

"I, uh, can't, like, someone else, uh, do it?" Longtail stuttered. "I-I-I mean, uh, I, like, uh, got a thorn, uh, in my pad, uh, just the other day, like."

"Well if you're too cowardly-" Bluestar began.

"I AM NOT A COWARD!" Longtail snarled, suddenly speaking perfectly. "I WILL FIGHT THIS KITTYPET!"

Longtail flung himself at Rusty and they wrestled across the clearing. They began yelling insults at each other.

"Mouse-brain!"

"Dirtface!"

"Mouse-dung!"

"Thongtail!"

"Fox-dung!"

"Coward!"

Longtail roared like a stegosaurus. "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT! I WILL STRIP OUT YOUR INSIDES AND FEED THEM TO THE CROWS!"

Longtail pounced on Rusty and tried to do as he had just said, but all he succeeded in doing was tearing off his collar.

"What a fail," someone muttered.

"Guys, I think that's when the fight scene is meant to end," Bluestar meowed. Both cats padded back to where they had been standing before.

"Anyway," Bluestar meowed. "As I was saying, we have a fat lazy kittypet in the Clan now who I will be naming soon. I have the choice of the following names: Awesomepaw, Amazingpaw, Epicpaw, Trampolinepaw, Lolpaw, Trollpaw, Crazypaw and a million other names. However, I have decided to call him Firepaw."

"What!" Firepaw complained. "You could have called me something more creative like Flamepaw, Blazepaw, Flarepaw, Emberpaw, Infernopaw, Scorchpaw or Sparkpaw!"

"Do you want me to burn you alive?" Bluestar asked.

"Firepaw it is then," Firepaw conceded.

Ravenpaw suddenly rushed into camp. "OH MY GOD GUYS YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW IT WAS SO FRIKKIN' COOL!"

"What?" the Clan asked.

"REDTAIL WAS MURDERED BY-" before he could finish his sentence, Ravenpaw fainted.

Lionheart, the only sane cat in the Clan, meowed, "Funny how he faints just before he can tell us the most important bit." Nobody paid him any attention.

Tigerclaw padded in, carrying Redtail's dead body.

"What happened, Tigerclaw?" Bluestar asked.

"Vell," Tigerclaw began in his German accent. "I vas fighting this RiverClan cat, and zen I saw Oakheart killing Redtail. I tried to save him, but unfortunately I can't bring cats back from the dead, among all my ozer amazing talents. So instead I killed Oakheart in revenge."

"I-am-gullible-I-am-gullible-I-am-gullible-I-am-gullible," Bluestar meowed. "This story must be true."

Dustpaw walked up to Redtail's dead body and started sobbing like a baby.

"He was my mentor, and now RiverClan has killed him!"

Sandpaw walked up to Redtail's dead body and started crying like a baby.

"He was my father, and now RiverClan has killed him!"

Bluestar walked up to Redtail's dead body and started crying like a baby.

"He was my deputy, and now RiverClan killed him!"

Frostfur walked up to Redtail's dead body and started crying like a baby.

"I have no idea who he is!"

Firepaw turned to Greypaw. "Do we have to do that too?"

"You can if you want," Greypaw meowed, "but I find it rather boring to stand there all night crying."

"Oh OK."

"Let's go to sleep now," Greypaw meowed.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to take me on a tour or something?" Firepaw asked.

"I can't be bothered."

"OK. I'm tired anyway," Firepaw replied.

Firepaw and Greypaw sneaked away into the apprentices' den but were intercepted by Sandpaw and Dustpaw.

"Hey weren't you guys mourning over Redtail a second ago?" Firepaw asked.

"Shut up kittypet," Sandpaw snapped.

"Oh come on, you're only saying that because you fancy me," Firepaw meowed.

"Where are you two going?" Dustpaw ignored Firepaw.

"We're going to grab some extra sleep before tomorrow," Greypaw replied.

"Or maybe your just a fat lazy cow," Dustpaw pointed out.

Greypaw started crying. "I'm not a fat! I just have a lot fur on me!"

Dustpaw rolled his eyes. "_Yeah_, whatever you say…" he meowed sarcastically.

"These cats have just become too lame for my awesomeness, so I must get away before they infect me," Firepaw thought out loud, padding away. Greypaw walked after him, wiping away his tears **[because that it totally something he could do while walking]**.

Firepaw, somehow knowing where to go, padded into the apprentices' den and took out his HTC Wildfire phone.

Greypaw gawked at it. "WOAH! Where'd you get one of them! My phone is a brick!" That was not metaphoric. His phone really is a brick.

Firepaw shrugged. "I just found it, but I don't really like it that much, so I'm getting the new Iphone which you talk into."

Firepaw checked his texts. He had 256 messages, 1 from Henry (called Fatso on Rusty's phone) and 255 from Smudge (called My Stalker on Rusty's phone).

"OMG, I've always wanted one of those! How do you get one?" Greypaw asked.

"Ordering it on my phone, obviously," Firepaw pointed out. He looked at the text he got from Henry:

**Heyy Ruusy, whereed yoi go/? I meed yfosudto scate awsy me birdd so s I can have agood npa!1**

_From **Fatso** Sent at **15:02 pm**_

"Can you order me one?" Greypaw pleaded while Firepaw tried to decipher the message before him.

"Sure, just a sec' while I try and read this," Firepaw meowed. He finally worked that the first bit said, 'Hey Rusty, where'd you go?' but the rest of it was a mystery.

"Read what?" Greypaw squeezed in next to Firepaw and looked at his iphone. "'Hey roosy, wher reed yoy go'? What does that mean?"

"I think he's asking where I am," Firepaw stated. He sent his reply:

**i joined this awesome clan and they totali luv me! i no ill be leader of them 1 day!**

**ps my name is firepaw now!**

_To** Fatso** Sent at** 20:20 pm**_

"We love you?" Greypaw meowed in confusion.

"NO PHONES DURING NIGHT HOURS!" Tigerclaw suddenly growled from the entrance of the apprentice den.

"Woah, sorry dude," Firepaw put his phone away.

"Go to sleep," Tigerclaw snapped, padding away.

"We better go to sleep," Greypaw meowed, curling up in his nest.

Firepaw growled, muttering "Goody-two-shoes." However, he too curled up in his nest, and soon they were both asleep.

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><p><strong>I need some help inspiration for the next chapter. I'll probably manage, but if you have any ideas then please tell me!<strong>


	3. Marching and Random Trees

**Thanks to the following people who have reviewed: Mothstar, LemonLimeLolli, Stormyfang502, zestia240, Cherrynose, The Magic of the Night, Sierra of the Stars and Sparrowclaw of ThunderClan. You make me feel so special. I would reply to everyone, but that would take way too long so I'm just going reply to a few of you. I apologise if you are not one of these people.**

**Stormyfang502: Oui, je suis d'accord. (if you don't understand that then use Google Translate!**

**zestia240: I like your idea, so I will use it next Chapter when Ravenpaw joins them for training.**

**Sparrowclaw of ThunderClan: Thanks! And your story is really good as well!**

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><p>Firepaw was having the most epic dream ever. He was just padding through the forest, being his usual awesome self, when suddenly he had sprouted wings. Soon he was soaring through the sky, texting Greypaw, surfing, punching Smudge, shooting mice with a bazooka and playing the piano at the same time. Don't even ask how that is possible.<p>

Suddenly he was woken from this epic dream by his phone vibrating. Someone was calling him. Firepaw sat up angrily.

"Whoever disturbed my epic dream will pay!" he yowled, answering his phone. It was Greypaw.

"FIREPAW, YOU HAVE TO GET UP! WE HAVE TRAINING!" Greypaw bellowed down the phone.

"Er, Greypaw, why are you phoning me to tell me this?" Firepaw hissed. "You could have just come and yelled in my ear or something."

Greypaw was silent for a few moments. "Oh, yeah. Er, I knew I could do that, I just decided not to because I couldn't be bothered…"

"You just keep telling yourself that," Firepaw growled, hanging up. God, Greypaw could be so stupid.

Firepaw padded outside, where Greypaw, Lionheart and Tigerclaw were waiting for him.

"Take your time," Lionheart grumbled.

"Sorry."

Firepaw suddenly realised something. "Greypaw, how can you call me if your phone is a brick?"

"Like this," Greypaw took out his brick from an imaginary pocket and tapped it several times, as if entering someone's phone number. He put the brick to his ear and meowed, "Hey Ravenpaw! …When will you be back on training? … Three days? That's great!"

Behind Greypaw, Lionheart mouthed to Firepaw, _He used my phone to call you_.

For the rest of Greypaw's 'conversation' with Ravenpaw, Firepaw realised Greypaw was making the whole thing up so that he couldn't be embarrassed by the fact that his phone was a useless brick.

"Are ve ready?" Tigerclaw asked after Greypaw was done. "Let us go." He started padding out of camp, Lionheart, Greypaw and Firepaw following him. Suddenly, he whirled around and bellowed at Firepaw and Greypaw, "Come on, zen! March!"

Greypaw started marching, quickly followed by Firepaw.

"Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four!" Tigerclaw yowled continuously all the way to the RiverClan border.

Firepaw stopped and peered over the border. "What is this attractive scent?"

"It's ze RiverClan border!" Tigerclaw growled. "It is where ze enemy live in luxury vile ve scrape by on scarce prey!"

"Why aren't we living in luxury?" Firepaw asked.

"BECAUSE ZE ENEMY ARE THEIVES AND TRAITORS TO ZE FÜHRER!" Tigerclaw screamed.

Firepaw leaped backwards in shock, trembling.

Greypaw, meanwhile, was gazing across the border in captivation. "I can already see the she-cat I will fall in love with against the warrior code and watch die while she gives birth to our kits…" he meowed lustfully.

"Vy are ve standing here doing nothing?" Tigerclaw growled. "March! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four!"

They marched all the way to Fourtrees, where they halted.

"Zis is ze place vere all ze Clans gazer on ze full moon!" Tigerclaw yowled.

"Wait," Firepaw meowed suddenly.

"What?" Lionheart asked.

"Why are there four Clans? Why can't there just be one?"

"VAT?" Tigerclaw roared like a diplodocus. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK THOSE DESPICABLE WORDS! YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ZE WARRIOR CODE-"

"I was just-" Firepaw started.

"-AND ALL OF STARCLAN AND ZE TRIBE OF ENDLESS HUNTING! YOU HAVE DISHONOURED ZE FÜHRER-"

"I wasn't being-" Firepaw began.

"-AND ZE DARK FOREST! YOU HAVE DONE A TERRIBLE CRIME! YOU MUST SUFFER ZE WORST PUNISHMENT-"

"I WAS JOKING!" Firepaw had to bellow louder than an aeroplane to make himself heard.

There was an awkward silence. "Awkward…" a random tree, whispered, which is unusual because trees don't normally talk.

Tigerclaw suddenly yowled. "March! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four!"

They marched all the way to the Thunderpath. Firepaw peered at the large flat stone surface.

"What is that?" Firepaw asked.

"It is ze Thunder-" before Tigerclaw could finished, a large monster screeched past so loudly that it drowned out Tigerclaw's voice. Yes, it was that loud.

"It's the Thunderpath," Lionheart meowed after the monster left. "The monsters run on here, but they never leave. It is also the border to ShadowClan-"

"WHICH IS ZE MOST EVIL CLAN IN ALL ZE FOREST!" Tigerclaw shrieked.

Lionheart sighed, muttering too quietly for Tigerclaw's high-volume ears, "I can't believe I'm here..."

"Can we go home?" Greypaw asked. "I'm hungry."

"GREYPAW, NOT EVERYONE IS A FAT, LAZY AND USELESS APPRENTICE LIKE YOU! VE HAVE LIVES!" Tigerclaw yowled in Greypaw's face.

"I agree with Greypaw," Firepaw meowed.

"Me too," Lionheart added.

Tigerclaw sighed. "I vish I vas leader of ShadowClan. At least zey aren't cowards!"

They started walking back to camp, until Tigerclaw yowled, "March! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four!" Then they marched back to camp.

At camp, Firepaw and Greypaw collapsed on the ground, exhausted. "I never want to hear the words 'hup' or 'march' again," Greypaw mumbled.

"Vat are you doing on ze ground?" Tigerclaw asked. "If you want to eat or sleep zen you vill have to get up."

Greypaw and Firepaw groaned as they dragged themselves to the fresh-kill pile. After picking some fresh-kill, they groaned as they dragged themselves to the apprentices' den.

Sandpaw and Dustpaw stared at them as they dragged themselves over.

"Training from Tigerclaw?" Dustpaw asked.

Greypaw nodded. Firepaw meowed, "Lionheart too."

"Yeah, but nobody else really counts if Tigerclaw is there," Sandpaw meowed, "unless Bluestar is there."

"Is Tigerclaw Ravenpaw's mentor?" Firepaw asked.

"Yes."

"I feel sorry for him."

"You should," Greypaw told him.

"We're going the Gathering," Dustpaw said proudly, sticking his muzzle up in the sky.

"WOW! REALLY? THAT IS SO FRIKKIN' COOL!" Firepaw yowled.

"Calm down," Sandpaw meowed.

Greypaw, after eating his meal in lightning speed, meowed. "I'm going to bed now, bye!" He dragged himself in the apprentices' den.

Firepaw ate his prey a little slower before following. That night, he dreamed of Thunderpaths, sweet RiverClan scents and the Führer.

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><p><strong>I DO NOT WORSHIP THE FÜHRER. I don't know if I needed to say that, but I did anyway. Tigerclaw worships the Führer, not me or anyone else. Hopefully.<strong>

**Please R&R!**


	4. Murderclaw and Random Flowers

**Thank you to the following people for reviewing so far: Mothstar, LemonLimeLolli, Stormyfang502, zestia240, Cherrynose, The Magic of the Night, Sparrowclaw of ThunderClan, Sierra of the Stars and RainbowNinjaUnicorn279! Please keep reveiwing!**

**And special thanks to zestia240 for her idea!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. I keep forgetting this.**

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><p>When Firepaw got up the next morning, it took him a few seconds to realise that he was the first one up. Normally, someone might try and get extra things done or maybe try and get some more sleep, but the first thought to go through Firepaw's head was:<p>

"Yes! I get to wake them up!"

He turned to Greypaw, Sandpaw and Dustpaw and yowled, "WAKE UP YOU FAT LAZY COWS! THE CAMP IS ON FIRE!"

All three cats jumped to their feet, their fur on end. Before any of them could speak, Firepaw meowed quickly, "Just joking. The camp's fine. Greypaw, we have training in the hollow. Sandpaw, Dustpaw, I haven't a clue what you have but your mentors might be able to tell you."

He padded away before they could claw off his pelt. Greypaw caught up with him just before Ravenpaw padded up to them.

"Hello, dear friends, I will be accompanying you in training today," Ravenpaw meowed.

"Why are you speaking so formally? Seriously, we're just apprentices," Firepaw pointed out.

"That is unknown to me," Ravenpaw told them, "but it is the manner in which I have been speaking since I passed out after attempting to inform the Clan of an important fact which they did not know."

"And what was that?" Firepaw asked.

"Fooled you!" Ravenpaw yowled. "You actually thought I spoke like that? Seriously, you're so gullible."

But Firepaw wasn't listening anymore. He had just spotted Spottedleaf, and when he spots Spottedleaf, everything else is irrelevant.

"HOLY £$%&! SHE IS £$%&*# SEXY!" Firepaw shrieked.

"Why did you swear, Firepaw?" Greypaw asked. "It seriously wasn't needed, and now that the author had to star them out, it's difficult for the readers to know what you're trying to say."

"Greypaw, if the readers have an IQ above 40, then I think they'll know what he was saying," Ravenpaw pointed out.

"We have training," Greypaw meowed. "Come on guys, let's go!"

They padded – no, not marched – to the training hollow, where Lionheart and Tigerclaw were waiting for them. Tigerclaw had, fortunately, duct tape over his mouth.

"Take your time," Lionheart meowed.

"OK," Greypaw meowed, suddenly moving in slow motion.

Lionheart, the only sane cat there, face-pawed himself at this. "No, Greypaw, don't take your time."

"Oh right," Greypaw returned to normal speed and sat beside Firepaw and Ravenpaw, who had sat down while I wasn't describing their actions.

"Today, we are going to begin teaching you to hunt," Lionheart meowed. "At the end you will have a very important assessment-"

"I'm sorry, but isn't this a bit like those talks about exams and the future that teachers give to their class, even if the class has heard it ten times from other teachers?" Firepaw asked.

"Shut up, Firepaw."

"OK."

"As I was saying, you will have a very important assessment so make sure you try your hardest," Lionheart told them. "Now, what's the difference between hunting a mouse and hunting a rabbit?"

"What? You haven't even taught us anything and you're already testing us?" Firepaw meowed in alarm. Lionheart ignored him.

"The rabbit hears you, the mouse feels you," Greypaw meowed.

"Nerd," Firepaw muttered.

"Good. How might you stalk a mouse?" Lionheart asked.

"I'm going to act nerdy. Step lightly?" Firepaw suggested.

"Yes. You have to put all your weight into your haunches," Lionheart told them.

"How do you pronounce haunches?" Firepaw asked. "Do you say haw-nches, like a donkey, or do you say ha-nches? Or is it haw-ches with a silent 'n'? Or is it-"

"Firepaw if you speak one more word out of turn then I will make a camp fire, impale you with a stick and cook you like a marshmallow," Lionheart snarled.

Firepaw didn't reply.

"Good," Lionheart purred. "Now copy me." Lionheart performed a perfect stalk for hunting a mouse, keeping no weight on his paws and whatever else you need to put into it. I'm not the best at this stuff.

Firepaw, Greypaw and Ravenpaw all copied Lionheart.

Tigerclaw, somehow managing to get the duct tape off without anyone else noticing, growled, "Ravenpaw, zat is a terrible hunting crouch! Ze little mice vill smell you from a mile off!"

Ravenpaw narrowed his eyes at Tigerclaw. "I am trying, Murdercl- … er, I mean Tigerclaw."

Tigerclaw glared Ravenpaw. "VAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? MURDERCLAW? ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCUSE ME OF-"

Firepaw suddenly leaped to Ravenpaw's defence. "Ravenpaw's just worried about his injuries and stuff!"

"Let us see you doing a good hunting crouch and I vill agree," Tigerclaw growled.

Firepaw did his hunting crouch/stalk thing (you can tell I'm rubbish at this).

"Zat is rubbish! Ze prey vill no come to your paws, kittypet, you vill have to catch it yourself!" Tigerclaw hissed.

"You think his hunting crouch is bad?" Greypaw meowed. "I stalk like a one-legged badger!" Greypaw suddenly shape-shifted into a one-legged badger and fell flat on his face.

For a moment, everyone just stared at the strange occurrence that had just taken place.

"That was weird," said a random flower, which is unusual, because flowers don't normally talk.

Firepaw turned around and stared at the flower. "Isn't that, like, the fifth time that has happened?"

"Fourth actually," Lionheart pointed out.

"Fourth time what happened?" Greypaw had returned to cat form and was sitting up in confusion.

"Er… it doesn't matter Greypaw," Lionheart meowed.

"Vy not try out your hunting techniques for real?" Tigerclaw suggested.

"What, on you?" Ravenpaw asked hopefully.

"No, on prey you mouse-brain!" Tigerclaw snapped. "Now go before I eat you all for a snack!"

Firepaw, Greypaw and Ravenpaw all split up. Firepaw went down to a stream and saw a mouse. Using those stalking techniques, which I suck at describing, he pounced and caught.

"Yes, I caught a mouse!" Firepaw yowled. Glancing at me, he added, "OK, you can do the two moon time skip now."

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><p><strong>So what do you think? Sorry for not updating sooner, I had a mind block when trying to figure out how to start the chapter. If you have any suggestions please tell me in a pm or review! Next chapter: Yellowfang. This is going to be some fun.<strong>

**Please R&R!**


	5. Yellowfang and Random Leaves

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far: Mothstar, LemonLimeLolli, Stormyfang502, zestia240, Cherrynose, The Magic of the Night, Sierra of the Stars, Sparrowclaw of ThunderClan, RainbowNinjaUnicorn279, a random anonymous person (they didn't even put a name!), EvilAntauri, TheGirlWhoWonTheDoctorsHearts, Le-Chat-Noir and ponyiowa. I will now reply to the people who gave me ideas.**

**zestia240: I will use your ideas in future chapters!**** Thanks!**

**RainbowNinjaUnicorn279: I have used your idea! Thank you! And please actually log on to review.**

**Le-Chat-Noir: I have used your idea! Thank you!**

**TheGirlWhoWonTheDoctorsHearts: I will use your idea in future chapters, and I may tweak it ever so slightly. Thank you!**

**I'm quite proud of a few parts of this chapter, especially the last bit. I just realised I've forgotten to do disclaimers!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors or any of the characters or clans. I don't Hans Solo or Star Wars, and I definitely don't own the Go Compare guy. (Please don't ask...)**

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><p>Firepaw is walking through the forest by himself, heading towards the stream.<p>

"Wow, this is my first solo mission," he said to himself. "This is a hands on job, so I must try hard to do well!"

Suddenly, he came by a huge realisation.

"Solo mission… hands on job… I'm Hans Solo!" Firepaw realised. The Star Wars theme tune starts playing as Firepaw takes out a lightsaber.

"Duuuuuuuuh, duuuuuuuuh! Dudududuuuuuuuh! Duuuh, dudududuuuuuuuh! Duuuh, dudududuuuuuuuh!" Firepaw sung as he charged through the forest. He suddenly stopped.

"Wait a minute… Hans Solo wasn't a Jedi, was he?" Firepaw realised. "£$%&!"

Greypaw popped out of nowhere. "You fail!"

Firepaw stared at Greypaw.

"What?" Greypaw asked.

Firepaw suddenly punched Greypaw in the face. As Greypaw lay on the ground, moaning, Firepaw meowed. "Greypaw! I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there!"

Greypaw growled. "Why was that necessary?"

"I don't know. Why is anything necessary?"

"Let's go and randomly hunt!" Greypaw declared.

"OK," Firepaw and Greypaw padded along the stream.

"Hey look, a fox," Greypaw pointed at a fox that hadn't seen them. "That would shred you up into mousemeat."

"No it wouldn't."

"Yes it would."

"No it wouldn't."

"Yes it would."

"No it wouldn't."

"Yes it would."

"No it wouldn't."

"Yes it would."

"No it wouldn't."

"Yes it would."

This continued all the way to the Thunderpath, where Firepaw got distracted.

"I win!" Greypaw cried out, but Firepaw ignored him and padded up to the Thunderpath.

"What are you doing?" Greypaw asked.

"Something stupid and pointless," Firepaw replied. "Hey look! A ShadowClan warrior!"

"Where?" Greypaw stared across the Thunderpath in confusion.

"There!" Firepaw growled. True enough, there was a cat on the other side of the Thunderpath.

"I don't see it!" Greypaw exclaimed.

"Greypaw, you're blind if you can't see that!"

"I _am_ blind!" Greypaw suddenly turned and looked at Firepaw with sightless eyes. "Like Jayfeather and Longtail when he's in any series other than the first one!"

Firepaw stared at Greypaw like he was crazy while his eyes returned to normal. "How come you do all the weird things that aren't even funny?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, last chapter you turned into a one-legged badger."

"This story needs a weird character to help put the jokes into perspective," Greypaw pointed out.

"I don't know what that means but I'm not going to bother asking," Firepaw meowed.

"Oh £%&! I just remembered I needed to go on a patrol with Bluestar!" Greypaw zoomed off into the forest like a motorbike.

"Yes! Now I can be alone in my epicness!" Firepaw padded through the forest. He was supposed to be hunting, but he was too lazy to bother trying.

Suddenly, a huge bush leaped out of nowhere and landed on Firepaw. Oh wait no, it wasn't a bush – it was Yellowfang.

"Hehehe," Yellowfang chuckled. "ThunderClan apprentices are easy prey for Yellowfang…"

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE A CANNIBAL!" Firepaw was so mortified that he managed to kick Yellowfang off him into a tree.

As she got up, she snarled, "I've got three things for you: one, I'm not a cannibal; two, Why did you hit me into a tree; three, Why did you say 'oh my god'? Last time I checked, you're supposed to say 'great StarClan' or 'oh my StarClan'."

"I don't know," Firepaw growled sarcastically. "Why does your face look so monged and squished up?"

"I was punched in the face when I was a kit, and I've been like this ever since," Yellowfang snapped.

"Touching story."

"Shut up, kittypet!"

Firepaw burst into tears. "What? How did you know I was a kittypet? I'm not a kittypet; I'm a ThunderClan apprentice! Why does everyone always mock because I used to be one? I don't do anything wrong – I'm just like everyone else! Maybe I used to eat kittypet food and sleep in a twoleg nest with twolegs, but that's no reason to discriminate me! Why is everyone so nasty?"

Yellowfang looked surprised. "What? I… I didn't know you were a kittypet. I was just using it as an insult."

"Oh."

"Hey, since we're meant to be fighting but are just talking instead why don't we go for a walk?"

"OK," Firepaw and Yellowfang walked along together.

"So, what's your n-" Yellowfang was halfway through her question when Firepaw stuck his paw out and tripped her up. She fell flat on her face and injured her leg.

"You stupid mouse-brained idiot!" she snapped

"Oops," Firepaw meowed. "Here, some fresh-kill might help."

Firepaw took a rabbit out of an imaginary pocket and gave it to Yellowfang.

"Why would fresh-kill help, you mouse-hearted squirrel-faced fox?" Yellowfang snarled.

"I don't know, but it's the only thing I have with me," Firepaw meowed.

"Shut up, you stupid lizard-faced fish-breathed furball!"

"Sorry."

"Thick fish-hearted badger-faced fox-breathed frog-fart!"

"Very creative insult."

Yellowfang sat up awkwardly. "Thanks, kittypet." She ate most of the rabbit and left the rest there.

Firepaw started drooling. "Must… resist… eating… remains… ah, sod it!" Firepaw gobbled up the remains.

Suddenly, a patrol showed up with Bluestar, Lionheart, Tigerclaw, Greypaw and some random cats. I can't remember who else was there.

"Vat are you doing?" Tigerclaw growled.

"The Clan must be fed first!" Lionheart rumbled.

"Shut up you two, I can't see what is wrong here," Bluestar snapped. "You are Yellowfang, ShadowClan's medicine cat?"

"I was."

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE FROM SHADOWCLAN! I WISH I HAD HIT YOU MORE!" Firepaw yowled.

"Why aren't you anymore?" Bluestar asked.

"I left," Yellowfang snapped.

"Bluestar, Firepaw has broken ze warrior code," Tigerclaw growled.

"How?" Bluestar asked blankly.

"He didn't feed the Clan first," Lionheart meowed.

"It actually says that queens and elders should be fed first," Bluestar pointed out. "If it said that you were meant to feed the Clan first, then nobody would get fed because they would always be trying to feed everyone else and no one would actually eat because the rest of the Clan had to be fed before them."

"Well said, Bluestar," Firepaw purred.

"But he still broke the warrior code," Lionheart meowed.

"Yeah, right," Bluestar meowed sarcastically. "Next you'll be telling me I can get 50% off my car insurance."

The Go Compare guy suddenly appeared and started singing.

"_Go Compare!_

_Go Compare!_

_When in doubt check them out go Compare!_

_With just a few clicks save your spondoliks and you'll thank your stars that you went to go Compare!_

_Yes, you'll thank your stars that you went to go Compare!"_

"Er, what?" a random leaf said after the Go Compare guy went away, which is strange because leaves don't normally talk.

"I don't know," Bluestar meowed. "Let's just go back to camp."

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><p><strong>Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas! Thank you everyone who reviewed! Thank you everyone who read the story! And while I'm here I'm going to thank Erin Hunter for writing the Warriors series and I'm going to thank my dog for existing! And I'm going to unthank my mother for being allergic to cats and unthank amazon because they have not given me Night Whispers yet! (but I have Sign of the Moon and the Forgotten Warrior)<strong>

**R&R and suggest more ideas! Thank you!**


	6. Shut up and Random Clouds

**Sorry about the long wait and how short this chapter is... I was a little stuck for some ideas. I hope it's OK.**

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><p>Bluestar, Lionheart, Tigerclaw, Firepaw, Greypaw, Yellowfang and the random cats that I can't remember walked into camp. Darkstripe, Ravenpaw, Runningwind, Frostfur, Goldenflower, Mousefur, Sandpaw, Dustpaw… forget it… all the Clan walked out to see what was going on… apart from some kits… and some elders.<p>

Anyway, they all walked out to see what was going on.

"Bluestar, what happened with WindClan?" Runningwind asked.

"I'm just about to hold a Clan meeting, you'll find out then," Bluestar replied.

"Bluestar, why is some shrubbery accompanying you?" Darkstripe asked.

Bluestar narrowed her eyes furiously. "What? How _dare_ you persecute a medicine cat for having lots of fur!" she snarled. The grass around her paws began to smoke as the heat of Bluestar's anger singed it.

"Yeah Darkstripe!" Firepaw yowled in agreement.

Darkstripe glowered at Firepaw. "I wasn't talking about Yellowfang!" he growled. "I was talking about the bushes following the patrol!"

Surely enough, some bushes had walked behind the patrol on the way to camp.

Firepaw, very embarrassed by his mistake, quickly replied, "There's no bushes following the patrol. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah Darkstripe!" Greypaw yowled.

Darkstripe glared at Greypaw. "Shut up, apprentice!"

Greypaw looked hurt. "Sorry Devilstr- er, Darkstripe."

Darkstripe was seething with anger, but before he could say anything Bluestar leaped onto the highrock and cried, "Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather here beneath the highledge!"

"It's called the highrock, mouse-brain!" a cloud protested which is unusual because clouds don't normally talk.

"Oh yeah, that's not until the next series," Bluestar meowed. "Silly me!"

The Clan gathered below her, someone muttering, "Gee, she doesn't even know her own camp…"

When the Clan had gathered, Bluestar began. "We have a new prisoner – the medicine cat of ShadowClan." She looked at Yellowfang. "Can you hear me?" she meowed slowly, as if talking to an almost-deaf cat.

Yellowfang snarled. "I'm not deaf, you know," she spat.

"I thought medicine cats became deaf in their old age," Bluestar told her. "Never mind." She was about to continue until Tigerclaw interrupted her.

"I spy with my little eye, a pile of ShadowClan filth zat shouldn't be here," Tigerclaw growled loudly, glaring intently at Yellowfang.

Greypaw hopped up and down enthusiastically. "Oh! Oh! I love I spy!" he piped up. "It is… Darkstripe?"

Tigerclaw sighed, rolling his eyes. "No. It's Yellowfang."

"Oh right," Greypaw meowed. "My turn now! Hm, let me see… I spy with my little eye… something cowardly-"

"COWARDTA- er, Longtail…" Firepaw trailed off awkwardly.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A COWARD?" Longtail shrieked. "I WILL SKIN YOU AND FEED YOUR ENTRAILS TO RAPID SQUIRRELS!"

"SHUT UP LONGTAIL I'M TRYING TO GUESS WHAT GREYPAW IS SPYING WITH HIS LITTLE EYE WITHOUT YOU INTERRUPTING ME!" Firepaw shrieked.

"SHUT UP FIREPAW I'M TRYING TO SAY WHAT I'M SPYING WITH MY LITTLE EYE WITHOUT YOU INTERRUPTING ME!" Greypaw shrieked.

"SHUT UP GREYPAW I'M TRYING TO PERSUADE BLUESTAR ZAT SHE SHOULD KICK YELLOWFANG OUT OR KILL HER WIZOUT YOU INTERRUPTING ME!" Tigerclaw shrieked.

"SHUT UP EVERYONE I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CLAN MEETING WITHOUT ANYONE INTERRUPTING ME!" Bluestar shrieked.

There was an awkward silence before Bluestar muttered, "_Thank_ you."

She addressed the Clan. "Anyway, WindClan didn't show up to talk to our patrol and there was ShadowClan scent everywhere so they've probably invaded," she meowed as if she were speaking about the weather, "but don't worry guys, it's all cool. I've read the next book, so I know that Fireheart and Greystripe will go and get them and bring them home safely."

"How do you know our warrior names?" Firepaw asked.

"I just said that I've read the next book."

"Oh. Yeah. Right." Firepaw muttered with embarrassment.

"And I'm also the one who gives you your warrior names," Bluestar added. "Anyway, Firepaw is awesome so I'm going to make him my apprentice, and since he caught Yellowfang he will be the one who has to look after her."

"Vat? Vy are you rewarding Firepaw? He has broken ze warrior code!" Tigerclaw complained.

"No he hasn't," Bluestar meowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Because he-" Tigerclaw began.

"For StarClan's sake, shut up!" Bluestar meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" Firepaw meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" Greypaw meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" Ravenpaw meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" Darkstripe meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" Sandpaw meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" Runningwind meowed.

"Yeah, Tigerclaw, shut up!" One-eye meowed.

Tigerclaw sighed. "I should leave ThunderClan…"

"Go ahead! No one will miss you!" Firepaw meowed.

"That's a horrible thing to say!" Goldenflower meowed.

"Yeah, Firepaw, shut up!" Bluestar meowed.

"Yeah, Firepaw, shut up!" Greypaw meowed.

"Yeah, Firepaw, shut up!" Dustpaw meowed.

"FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE CAN WE JUST FINISH THIS CHAPTER?" Whitestorm yowled.

"Good idea," Lionheart agreed.

"Potato," Greypaw meowed.

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><p><strong>Too lazy for an AN... Please R&R!**


	7. Rejection and Random Harry Potter Fans

**After such a stupid last chapter, I think this one's pretty good. On the last chapter I kept getting stuck but on this one it just flooowwed. I prefer it if it flows. I hope you like it as much as I liked writing it.**

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><p>"Er, what are you wearing?" Yellowfang meowed in disbelief.<p>

Firepaw had just walked up to her wearing a gas mask, goggles and a white overall completely covering all of his body apart from his face, as the gas mask and goggles covered that.

"I'm trying to avoid catching a disease," Firepaw replied.

Yellowfang snorted. "Stupid badger-faced, frog-breathed, mouse-brained, fish-hearted, beetle-farted pile of revolting, disgusting, disturbing, repulsive, sickening, ghastly, filthy, horrible, nauseating fox-dung!"

Firepaw blinked. "That was way better than before! Why didn't you say any of that before now?"

"That was one of my not so good insults," Yellowfang told him. "If you read through it, you'll notice that I said 'beetle-farted', which isn't really possible…"

"Who cares, you're so awesome at making insults I don't care if I catch a disease!" Firepaw stripped off his outfit and threw it away.

Yellowfang rolled her eyes as Firepaw continued. "Now, epic insult-inventor, what may I do for you?"

"Heal my wound and get me some prey, insane fox-brained, beetle-faced, fish-farted, badger-hearted, mouse-breathed pile of hippopotamus-dung!" Yellowfang growled.

"If that is what you wish, epic insult-inventor," Firepaw bowed and turned to go away, but not before Yellowfang muttered:

"Stupid furball."

Firepaw whirled round and glared at Yellowfang. "WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?" Firepaw snarled.

"A stupid furball," she replied.

"NOBODY DARES CALL ME A FURBALL!" Firepaw raged. "LISTEN TO ME, OLD LADY, I MAY BE OF KITTYPET ORIGINS BUT THAT GIVES YOU NO EXCUSE TO PERSECUTE ME LIKE THIS!"

Yellowfang didn't reply.

"Good, I'm glad we had this talk," Firepaw waltzed away to the medicine cat den, where Spottedleaf was.

"HOLY £$%&! YOU ARE £$%&*# SEXY!" Firepaw yowled at the top of his voice.

"I say!" Spottedleaf meowed in her posh accent. "Why does one raise one's voice?"

"Because everyone needs to know how sexy you are," Firepaw purred.

"What is it that one requires?" Spottedleaf asked, ignoring Firepaw's flirting.

"Some herbs from a mega hot she-cat and some fresh-kill," Firepaw hummed.

"I am terribly sorry, but I cannot not do either of those things: I do not know any 'mega hot' she-cats with herbs, and I do not hunt," Spottedleaf replied, ignoring Firepaw's flirting.

"I know a mega hot she-cat," Firepaw stared intently at Spottedleaf, raising his eyebrows **[even though cats don't have eyebrows]**.

"Who might this 'mega hot' she-cat be?" Spottedleaf asked, ignoring Firepaw's flirting.

"You, of course," Firepaw purred, mesmerised by Spottedleaf's appearance. "I love you. Can you be my mate?"

"I would love you to be thou mate," Spottedleaf purred, running to get some herbs, "but, alas, I am a medicine cat, so our love cannot be."

"NO THIS CAN'T BE TRUE YOU CAN'T BE SAYING THAT I'VE WORKED SO HARD TRYING TO GET YOU TO NOTICE ME AND I'VE FLIRTED WITH YOU AND TOLD EVERYONE HOW SEXY YOU ARE AND IGNORED MY FRIENDS WHEN I SEE YOU AND DREAMED ABOUT YOU EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF MY LIFE EVEN BEFORE I MET YOU AND NOW YOU'RE REJECTING ME FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE BEFORE I KNOW IT YOU COULD BE DEAD AND I'LL ONLY BE ABLE TO TALK TO YOU IN DREAMS AND I'LL HAVE TO RESORT TO HAVING SOME UGLY MATE LIKE SANDPAW WHICH WILL PROBABLY ENSURE THAT MY KITS' LOOKS WILL BE RUINED FOR ALL OF ETERNITY SO PLEASE DON'T REJECT ME!" Firepaw bawled.

"Here are thou herbs!" Spottedleaf gave him the herbs and shoved him out of the medicine cat den.

Firepaw sobbed. "I'm going to die alone! I have nothing left to live for! I-"

He suddenly remembers Yellowfang.

"Oh wait, I do have something to live for," he remembered. "I need to give Yellowfang her herbs and fresh-kill."

Firepaw ran and got some fresh-kill and then padded up to Yellowfang. "Here's your fresh-kill and herbs!"

"Thank you, Firepaw," Yellowfang purred.

Firepaw's eyes popped out of his head. "Did you… did you just call me Firepaw?" he gasped.

Yellowfang wasn't paying attention because her eyes were fixed on two kits playing nearby.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU £$%&*# PIG-MONGED PILE OF ELEPHANT-£$%&* COW-FACED DUNG-FAILED FOX RABBIT £$%& THING!" Yellowfang screeched in the kits' faces. "YOU ARE WITHIN TEN FEET OF ME AND THAT IS ILLEGAL!"

The kits ran away so quickly it looked as if they disapparated. They might have, actually.

"Disapparation is pretty cool," said a random Harry Potter fan, which is unusual because Harry Potter fans don't usually ta- ... oh wait, they do.

_Whoa, Yellowfang just swore, she must be pretty angry,_ Firepaw thought, ignoring the random Harry Potter fan.

"What was that for?" Firepaw asked.

"Bad things happen to kits when they're around me…" Yellowfang meowed solemnly.

"Ooooh, Yellowfang's getting all emotional," Firepaw smirked.

Yellowfang glared at Firepaw. "Shut your mouth, kittypet!"

"Hey Firepaw, want to come hunting with us?" Greypaw called from the other side of the clearing, Ravenpaw standing beside him.

"Is that even a question?" Firepaw appeared at Greypaw and Ravenpaw's side in an instant.

"Of course it's a question, there is a question mark at the end of it," Ravenpaw pointed out.

"Shut up Ravenpaw," Firepaw snapped.

"And about the hunting thing, I was joking," Greypaw meowed, grinning.

Firepaw narrowed his eyes at Greypaw. "I hate you."

"Thank you."

"I impressed Tigerclaw today by catching a crow!" Ravenpaw chirped.

"Shut up Ravenpaw," Firepaw snapped.

"Let's go and sleep!" Greypaw suggested.

"I'm hungry, I want to eat first," Firepaw meowed.

"You can't eat because you broke the warrior code," Ravenpaw meowed.

"Shut up Ravenpaw," Firepaw snapped.

"You can't eat because you broke ze warrior code," Tigerclaw appeared out of nowhere.

"Your right Tigerclaw," Firepaw accepted Tigerclaw's word.

"What? You'll listen to Tigerclaw but not me?" Ravenpaw complained.

"Shut up Ravenpaw," Firepaw and Tigerclaw snapped.

Ravenpaw sighed. "Why do I bother…?" he muttered.

"Let's go and sleep!" Greypaw suggested.

"Good idea, Greypaw," Firepaw and Greypaw trooped away to the apprentices' den, Ravenpaw trailing behind them.

That night, Firepaw dreamed of Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, the epic insult-inventor, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, rejection, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, shut up Ravenpaw, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, random Harry Potter fans, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf and antidisestablishmentarianism.

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><p><strong>Ta da! I was bored at the end, which explains ^that^. Anyway, please R&amp;R! And don't forget to give me ideas :-)<strong>


	8. Prey and Random Twigs

**Here's an extra-long chapter for you guys! :-) I accidentally missed out part of the storyline in the last chapter so I squeezed it into this one, which probably explains its length. And for those of you who were wondering, I have no idea what antidisestablishmentarianism means but its the longest word in the English language :-)**

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><p>Suddenly Firepaw woke up in the middle of dreaming about Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, the epic insult-inventor, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, rejection, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, shut up Ravenpaw, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, random Harry Potter fans, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf and antidisestablishmentarianism. Yellowfang was yowling for food because Firepaw had forgotten to feed- …wait, he did feed her; she's just a greedy cat.<p>

Firepaw got up lazily and was about to go and get her something when Greypaw meowed, "I'll get her something. You stay here."

Firepaw was shocked. "What? Where did this unexpected compassion come from?"

"For StarClan's sake, just let me go," Greypaw padded out and went to the fresh-kill pile. He took three rabbits, twenty mice, seventeen and a half squirrels and a kangaroo for Yellowfang.

"What?" Yellowfang hissed when she saw your expression. "I have a large stomach!"

Anyway, Greypaw hauled her order across camp, but only got halfway before Tigerclaw intercepted him.

"Vat are you doing?" Tigerclaw growled.

"Um, taking this to feed myself," Greypaw meowed.

Tigerclaw grinned. "Oh really? Eat it zen!"

Greypaw looked unfazed. "If you say so." He opened his mouth wide and swallowed the whole thing in one gulp.

Tigerclaw stared at him. "Vat? How did you do zat?"

Firepaw yowled, "Tigerclaw, we all know that Greypaw has the biggest stomach of anyone in the all the series, super editions and manga books! Well, apart from Cloudpaw but he's not been born yet!"

Greypaw smiled. "Hehehe," he giggled.

Tigerclaw hissed. "Just go back to sleep!"

"OK Tigerclaw!" Greypaw bounded back to the apprentices' den. Tigerclaw went back to the warriors' den and soon everyone was asleep.

In the silence, Yellowfang meowed, "So much for my midnight snack."

"Shut up prisoner," snapped a random twig, which is unusual because twigs don't normally talk.

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><p>The next day, Firepaw got up and decided that, even though it hadn't been raining, that he should check if Yellowfang needed new bedding because he felt like it. He padded outside, went over to Yellowfang and touched her moss bed to see if it was wet. Unfortunately, Yellowfang and her moss bed looked so similar that he accidentally touched her instead.<p>

"Get off me!" Yellowfang karate-kicked Firepaw away. "Why did you touch me?"

"Eh, what?" Speckletail just so happened to approach at that moment and hear what Yellowfang said. "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean."

Yellowfang and Firepaw stared at her.

"You're so sick," Firepaw meowed.

"Er, OK," Speckletail replied. "I just want you to know, Bluestar wants to see you."

"OK," Firepaw bounded away and went into Bluestar's den. Unfortunately he forgot to ask for permission to go in first and saw Bluestar staring at a poster of Oakheart.

"Oakheart, I wish you were here with me…" Bluestar meowed. "I wish Stonefur and Mistyfoot were here as well…"

Bluestar suddenly realised Firepaw was there and the poster disappeared in an instant.

"Ignore-everything-you-just-saw-or-heard," Bluestar spoke so quickly that Firepaw almost didn't understand her.

"What did you want me for?" Firepaw asked, following Bluestar's orders.

"You have an assessment today with Greypaw and Ravenpaw so you don't need to look after Yellowfang," Bluestar told him.

"What? But I enjoy looking after-" Firepaw suddenly burst into fits of laughter, doing a Lauren Lopez by rolling all over the floor.

Bluestar stared at him. "Please explain."

When Firepaw stopped laughing her meowed, "Sorry, I just could go through the whole sentence without laughing."

"Just go do your assessment, my epic apprentice," Bluestar ordered.

"Anything, my awesome mentor," Firepaw moon-walked out of the leaders' den.

He padded up to Greypaw and Ravenpaw, who were at the camp entrance.

"I'm joining you at the assessment!" Firepaw meowed.

"That's-" Ravenpaw began.

"Shut up Ravenpaw," Greypaw and Firepaw snapped at the same time.

"That's awesome!" Greypaw meowed, continuing the conversation as normal. "Only thing is, Tigerclaw is supervising."

"Oh £$%&."

"There's not much we can do about it," Greypaw bounded away, Firepaw and Ravenpaw following.

At the training hollow, Tigerclaw was already waiting for them.

"You took your time," he growled. "Today is your assessment, so I expected you to get here early so zat you can pass."

Nobody replied.

"Anyvay," Tigerclaw continued, "I have decided zat Greypaw vill go by ze river-"

"Oh great, wet paws for me!" Greypaw exclaimed sarcastically.

Firepaw frowned at his friend. "You told me you had a secret passion for water and that you sneaked out one night as a kit to try and learn to swim and catch a fish!"

"Shut up!" Greypaw snapped.

"Shut up both of you!" Tigerclaw growled. "Anyvay, Firepaw vill go through to ze Tallpines-"

"It's no secret that you deliberately send me through the Tallpines so that I will inevitably meet my stalker," Firepaw pointed out.

"-And Ravenpaw vill go the easy way to ze Snakerocks," Tigerclaw finished, glaring at Firepaw.

"I love having adders for dinner!" Ravenpaw chirped.

Because of the extreme weirdness of what Ravenpaw said, everyone forgot to tell him to shut up.

"Is everything clear?" Tigerclaw asked, brushing Ravenpaw's odd comment away, "Do you not vant to unhear vat I didn't just not say to you once?"

Silence.

"Um, is that a trick question?" Firepaw asked.

"I don't know, do you think it is?" Tigerclaw asked.

"OK, that's definitely a trick question," Firepaw replied.

"Three-two-one-go!" Tigerclaw yowled. Ravenpaw zoomed away towards Snakerocks, Greypaw zipped away in the direction of the river and Firepaw headed to Tallpines.

Firepaw usually wouldn't bother trying to hunt anything because he's too awesome for that, but today was his assessment and if he didn't do it then Bluestar might send him back to the Twolegplace where he would inevitably bump into his stalker.

After catching an Olympic record of 1,932,423,485¾ pieces of prey, Firepaw decided he could just chill. He padded around aimless and, inevitably, bumped into his stalker.

"AGH! RABID SQUIRREL!" Smudge shrieked.

"I'm not a rabid squirrel, I'm Firepaw," Firepaw pointed out.

"AGH! FLAMING CAT!" Smudge shrieked.

"It's me, Rusty," Firepaw pointed out.

"AGH! RUSTY METAL!" Smudge shrieked.

"Are you mouse-brained? I was your best friend when we were kits," Firepaw growled.

"AGH! KIT-HOOD FRIEND!" Smudge shrieked.

"Can you seriously not remember the cat you used to stalk?" Firepaw growled.

"Oh hi Rusty," Smudge meowed.

Firepaw rolled his eyes.

"So what have you being doing?" Smudge asked. "How are you new housefolk? Do they feed you properly? What happened with the wildcats? Did they attack you? Did you join them? How's life? Are you hungry? Who are you new friends? Do you have a girlfriend? What are you doing here? Do you like cheese? Why are you orange? When will you find your sister? Did you know I ask a lot of questions? What do you think of trees? Can you show me how to fight? Are you going to become leader of ThunderClan? Have you met Scourge? Is your nose rainbow? Do you like ninjas? Can you roll your tongue? Have you ever been to Paris? When will you answer my questions? Why is your fur in flames? Are you gay? Do you have a phobia of leaves? What do you think of potatoes? Have you ever watched Family Guy? Will you come with me and live in my house?"

"I don't have housefolk, no, they took me to their Clan, sort of, yes, good, not really, Greypaw and Ravenpaw, her name's Spottedleaf, hunting assessment, yes, I was born like this, next book, I didn't know that, they're alright, no, you shouldn't know about ThunderClan, no, no, totally, no, no, I am right now, it's not, no, no, they're alright, yes it's awesome, no," Firepaw replied.

"I forgot to ask, why did you leave? Where have you been? Have you seen a waterfall? Will you ever come back? Why is your face so messed up? Why do you bother listening to all my questions? Do you own a unicorn? What do you think of Dawn-of-the-Wolf? Have you ever done a quadruple back flip? Can you attack an assassin? What happened to your tail? Do you like mints? Are you the Boy Who Lived or You-know-who? Can you ride a caribou? Have you met Santa? How many eyes do you have? Have you made out with your girlfriend? Will you ever die in the fourth series or just live for the rest of eternity? Who are you? Have you ever flown in the sky with the birds? Do you think you could sit on a dandelion? When will you spin around and count to ten? Are you going to kill someone? Will you come to my party at seven tonight?" Smudge added.

"Because I wanted to, in ThunderClan, not yet, no, it's not, because you'd slap me if I didn't, I wish, she's frikkin' awesome, nope, probably, nothing's wrong with my tail, yes, neither, never tried, no, two, many times, live for eternity, I told you already, in my dreams, nope, never, maybe if you don't stop asking questions, I can't because I have predicted that Bluestar will let me go to the Gathering," Firepaw replied.

"That's a pity," Smudge meowed. "Have you ever-"

"Bye, I got to go," Firepaw cut him off.

"Have you ever jumped up and-" Smudge began again, ignoring what Firepaw just said.

"Bye, I got to go!" Firepaw said more forcefully.

"Have you ever jumped up and down repeatedly for-" Smudge started again.

"BYE!" Firepaw yowled in his face before padding away.

Behind him, Smudge called, "Have you ever jumped up and down repeatedly for charity?" but Firepaw ignored him.

Deciding that he could go back he gathered up his Olympic record of 1932423485¾ pieces of prey before returning to the training hollow.

"Zat's a lot of prey," Tigerclaw growled suspiciously. "Have you been cheating?"

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU THINK SUCH DESPICABLE THINGS!" Firepaw yowled. "I DID MANY HOURS OF HARD LABOUR WITH NO WAGE TO CATCH ALL OF THIS AND I GOT ATTACKED BY MY STALKER AND _THEN_ YOU GO AND ACCUSE ME OF CHEATING? ARE YOU INSANE?"

Tigerclaw narrowed his eyes. "I know _exactly_ vat you did."

"Not another stalker…" Firepaw muttered.

Greypaw padded in carrying 1,932,423,485 pieces of prey, which wasn't the Olympic record because Firepaw had 1,932,423,485¾ pieces of prey.

Ravenpaw came in carrying only an adder.

Tigerclaw glanced between Firepaw and Ravenpaw, trying to decide which apprentice he hated more.

"Ravenpaw vins!" Tigerclaw declared.

"What? Why?" Firepaw protested.

"An adder counts as 1,932,423,486 pieces of prey because it is supposed to be impossible to catch!" Tigerclaw yowled.

"That's not fair!" Greypaw protested.

"It's totally fair!" Ravenpaw argued.

"SHUT UP RAVENPAW!" Everyone yowled at him. Even Tigerclaw joined in.

Ravenpaw sighed. "If only I could be chased out of the Clans…"

"Back to camp!" Tigerclaw ordered.

Everyone began plodding back to camp.

Tigerclaw yowled, "March!"

All three apprentices gave sighs of exasperation and began marching.

"Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two, three, four! Hup, two…" Tigerclaw yowled all the way back to camp.

* * *

><p><strong>You gotta love Smudge. I had fun making up all of those questions. Please R&amp;R!<strong>


End file.
